A few days ago I had the pleasure of going with Alana and her preschool class to the Pumpkin Patch for a field trip. It was my first field trip with Alana. I was filled with excitement and anticipation. If only I had known what was waiting for me inside those preschool doors. Once Alana and I arrived at her school I quickly realized that this was definitely going to be a field trip to remember, but unfortunately it wouldn’t be filled with those fuzzy, heartwarming memories I had hoped for. Instead, this field trip would be one that I would try to forget with a bottle of wine and a long, hot bath.
Before I go any further I have to give you a little back ground information on a kid in Alana’s class. There is a certain little boy who I affectionately refer to as “creepy kid” who, quite honestly makes my skin crawl. He is definitely the type of kid who will grow up and no doubt have several restraining orders against him. Creepy kid stares at me every time I walk into the classroom and on several occasions has tried, unsuccessfully mind you, to touch my boobs. Hence the name “creepy kid”.
Anyways, after Alana and I got to the school I met all of the other parents who were going on the field trip. We all exchanged our parent pleasantries and it was fairly easy to place each parent with their child. Or so I thought. In one of my classic “foot in mouth” moments I kind of accidentally told creepy kid’s dad that his son gave me the creeps. I was so happy that creepy kid wasn’t assigned to my group and I was fairly certain that creepy kid’s dad belonged to a different child, that in my excitement I leaned over and told the dad next to me that I was so glad that Merritt, aka creepy kid, wasn’t in my group because he gave me the heebee jeebee’s. I also told him that I was sorry that he got stuck with him, but not to worry because he didn’t have boobs so he was probably safe. To which the kind man replied, “Creepy kid is my son”. Talk about a moment where you want to crawl under a rock and die. I was mortified. So I did what any foot and mouth doer would do and muttered my apology and quickly loaded my group into the car and left for the pumpkin patch!
Once at the pumpkin patch we quickly discovered that it was nothing other than a big huge muddy field. And by mud I mean the thick, black, smelly manure kind. It was horrible! (Note: It is 9:30am, 90 degrees and 100% humidity) Before any of the parents or teachers could warn the kids to be careful of the mud they took off running in 25 different directions. It was like a slow motion scene from a movie where the kids are running and all you see is mud flying in the air and the parents yelling NOOOOOOOOOOO in the background. We weren’t even inside the entrance yet and the kids were already covered from head to toe in mud.
After we finally got the kiddies corralled and into the pumpkin patch they were turned loose in the field to find the “perfect pumpkin”. Of course my group of girls all wanted the same perfect pumpkin. So after listening to them bicker for 10 minutes and the fear of fists flying, I decided to solve the perfect pumpkin problem Jessica style. I kind of accidentally on purpose dropped and smashed the perfect pumpkin. OOOPS! So the girls had no choice but to choose their second favorite pumpkin, which took them all of 20 seconds. Problem solved!!
With the perfect pumpkins picked, it was now time for our hayride. The kids were beyond excited to go on the hayride and the parents and teachers were looking forward to a few minutes of the kiddies being confined! When I think of a hayride I envision a large wagon piled with hay, pulled by a tractor. At least that’s the kind of hayride I’m used to. Our hayride however, consisted of a large wagon built in the 1800’s with no hay, tons of splinters, and instead of being pulled by a tractor it was pulled by a pick-up truck. We were taken in a loop around the field and shown a bunch of scarecrows. As if trying to sit just right so I didn’t end up with a butt of splinters wasn’t enough fun, creepy kid decided to make his move and sit right next to me. And wouldn’t you know it, he used the bumpy ride as an excuse to hold on to me and “accidentally” touch my boob. Yep, I got felt up by creepy kid. Can you take a restraining order out on a 4 year old?
As soon as we got off the giant splinter with wheels the kids took off for the numerous jump castles. Now because it had been a pretty rainy week the insides of the jump castles were filled with water. Combine that water with the caked on mud that the kids were covered from head to toe with and you’ve got yourself one smelly mess! The kids don’t care and they run back and forth between the jump castles laughing and squealing. Just as all of us adults are settling into a few minutes of relaxation we discover that we are right in the middle of several huge red ant mounds. If you’ve ever been bit by a red ant then you know how badly it hurts. For those of you who haven’t been bit, it feels like a bee sting at first and then it festers and itches for the next week. It hurts!! Now swollen and itchy from our numerous ant bites, we pull the kids out of the jump castles. It’s lunch time. Who cares if it’s only 10:30am? (Yeah we’ve only been there for an hour, but it feels like we’ve been there for days)
While at lunch Alana decides she’s too cool to sit with mom and goes to another table to sit with a few of her friends. But no worries, creepy kid comes over to keep me company. He says nothing. He just stares. At this point I don’t care. The game is over. He won on the splinter ride. So when he goes in for the touch again I don’t even try to get out of his way. His dad however, says I have suffered enough and pulls creepy kid away. Thank you creepy kid dad!
